School Of The Holy Beast (1974) 6/10

School Of The Holy Beast is one of the most infamous "nunsploitation" films out there along with fitting snugly into the Japanese "pinky violence" genre. Too bad its a bit of a snoozer.

School Of The Holy Beast is about a young girl that poses as a nun to gain access to the abbey where her mom lived and died mysteriously to find out what really happened to her.

School...is beautifully directed with wonderful fiery reds and cold blues throughout the film. Stain glass windows were obviously used as a template for the color sceme in the film and it words beautifully. There's quite a few great sequences and vantage point shots sprinkled throughout the film as well. The problem is there's alot of talk but not alot of action. Sure there's some crazy torture scenes and nun on nun stuff but mostly the nuns sit around and talk. The film is mostly dialogue and it really slows the pacing down to a crawl. For a film so beautifully directed, it was hard to watch. Hell the script ain't half bad either. Not too original but certainly it had potential. There's just too much yak and not enough smack to put it in a rude way.

School Of The Holy Beast is a beautifully directed film that drags due to too much dialogue and not enough action. If you have patience, check it out.

Gore-mild

Nudity - medium

Overall - 6/10

Deadbeat At Dawn (1988) 6/10

Recently I watched and reviewed The Manson Family directed by Jim Van Bebber and I really loved it. Knowing that Deadbeat At Dawn was his first opus, I was really excited to see it. Notice how I said, was?

Deadbeat At Dawn is about Goose a local gang leader who tries to leave the gang life behind but when his girlfriend is beaten to death by a rival gang, he returns to the life to seek his revenge.

So I know Deadbeat was done on a nothing budget so I'm not going to hold its rough and small scale production against it. However I don't really see why the film has achieved such a cult status. Impaled has used clips from the movie for their records so I figured that was pretty good cred. Apparently not. The film is really nothing more then a blaxsploitation film done with white guys. Its fairly entertaining but I couldn't help thinking about Superfly while i was watching it. Beyond its unoriginal script it is fairly well acted and well shot, with some great gunshot gore and it's short run time also helps the film's watchability (yeah, its a word ain't it?) but I was left feeling unimpressed. I suppose it's yet another cult film that's been hyped up a bit too much.

Deadbeat At Dawn is a fun film if a mediocre one. To see Van Bebber's real talent shine, check out his later effort, The Manson Family.

Gore-mild/medium

Nudity-mild

Overall - 6/10

Addio Zio Tom (1971) 6/10

Addio Zio Tom (Goodbye Uncle Tom) is the 4th film from Gualtiero Jacopetti & Franco E. Prosperi who became famous with Mondo Cane & Mondo Cane 2 and became infamous with Africa Addio. After the release of Africa Addio the directors were critizied for being racist and were even indicted on charges based on the suspicion that they paid rebels to execute a prisoner so they could film it for their documentary. Addio Zio Tom is a response to the racist allegations and was supposed to show how un-racist they actually were. They failed...miserably.

Addio Zio Tom is done in the "mondo" documentary style that the duo created in the 1960s, using mostly narration with little dialogue from the subjects as well as showing outrageous and often disgusting footage. This film is a narrative done in the mondo style however. The duo travel back in time and visit American slave plantations and point out how awful the whites were to them.

So a film that was supposed to show how unprejudiced the duo are is actually incredibly racist. First of all they make all whites stupid, greedy, evil, masochistic, and amoral. Now some of the information they provide is probably true, and indeed those were certainly dark times, but they go on to show that modern white Americans are also stupid, greedy, evil, masochistic, and amoral. I guess they were trying to say that white Americans will never change and are programmed to be terrible human beings. Sounds like racism to me. Beyond that there's a heap of racism directed towards the black slaves. They show them to be traitorous to their own kind and willing to sell anyone out for the favor of their master. They also show that modern blacks are militant, violent, racist and dangerous. This is also highly racist. They tried so hard to prove that they didn't hate black people but ended up showing that not only do they hate blacks, but whites too. Its hard to judge a film like this. Is it extreme? Certainly. Is it entertaining and/or watchable? Yes, but difficult to swallow too. Its hard to not get angry at a film that is so blatantly narrow minded and deceptive. Of course I've come to expect deception from these guys and to take each film they've done with a grain of salt but this one perhaps goes too far.

In the end Addio Zio Tom (Goodbye Uncle Tom) is an important film for the simple fact that we can see clearly how information and imagery can be tweaked to suit the agenda of the makers. Its a warning to us all. Don't believe everything you see, especially documentaries, they have a viewpoint and an agenda and the information will be slanted to support that agenda.

Gore-mild

Nudity-Very heavy

Overall - 6/10

The Beast (1975) 5/10

So I wanted to check out The Beast since I heard it was an adult beauty and the beast tale, thinking it would have some gore and some nudity. Well, there's no gore to speak of but I did get the nudity, but not the nudity i wanted.

The Beast is about a young woman who is to be married to a young man in a pre-arranged marriage bringing together the two powerful and rich families. The young woman finds a book of literature written by the family's ancestor about her finding a beast out in the woods that she copulated with. So while the young woman waits to be wed she reads the book and fantasizes about the beast taking the woman in the story.

So the film is pretty damn slow going and although its supposed to take place in the year in which it was made, it certainly feels like a stuffy old period piece film filled with scandal and intrigue. Let me begin by saying that the first ten minutes or so is nothing but two horses mating...graphically. I could have done without that trip down animal planet totally uncensored road. After that theres plenty of talking and talking and you get the idea. Then we are treated to the fantasy of the beast which has nothing to do with the beauty and the beast, and everything to do with beastiality. We never really get to see much of the woman, but we get an eye full of the beast's ding dong as it thrusts and squirts at the woman. Once again, not what I was expecting and not really what I want to see. The beast himself looks like the wolf from the never ending story, just with a huge schlong. Funny, yes, appealing...no.

I don't really know what to say about this one. It's not particular good, but not really that bad either. The acting is solid and the directing is fine, if a bit dry. Honestly there's just way too much beast meat in the film and not enough of anything else. Strange film indeed and one for Eurosleaze fans only.

Gore-none

Nudity-lots of beast wang

Overall - 5/10

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) 7/10

Silent Night, Deadly Night is a film with quite a rare distinction. It seems that the idea of a serial killing Santa released right at Christmas time raised the ire of parent groups and the film was banned in most theatres soon after its release. Is it worth the hype? I would say, yes.

Silent Night Deadly Night is about a young boy who witnesses the murder of his parents and is shipped off to an orphanage. He's terrified of Santa Claus and finds work at a toy store, but when they ask him to dress up like Santa, he snaps and starts delivering out punishment to all the people who where naughty.

The film was never released uncut until now and Anchor Bay had to use two different film stocks to piece it together. That's some dedication and kudos to Anchor Bay for making it happen. The film moves at a very good pace and is filled with great kills and funny lines. Most of the graphic scenes are from a different film stock and the quality certainly changes but its not really that distracting. There's nothing really outstanding about the film however. It is good but certainly not ground breaking. The grue isn't that prevalent and plot is still just another hack-n-slash flick that was hugely popular at the time of it's release. There's nothing that makes the film really stand out other then the ridiculous plot. That being said its still a solid effort with no real complaints from this viewer.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is a fun 80's slasher flick that delivers, even if it is a bit mediocre overall.

Gore-medium

Nudity-mild

Overall - 7/10

Combat Shock (1986) 7/10

Over the years Troma has become synonymous with low-budget and cheesy, and well...crap. Although Combat Shock was distributed by Troma, it is neither cheesy nor crappy. It is low-budget but does alot with its little funding.

Combat Shock is about Frankie, who's come home from Vietnam a broken and jobless wreck. His wife gave birth to their first child but the child is horribly deformed from all chemicals Frankie was exposed to during the war. Most of the film takes place in a single day as Frankie braves the dangerous ghetto looking for work to feed his family.

Combat Shock was supposedly made for about $40,000 which is quite a feet considering the high action content found in the film. I'm sure most of the budget went straight to the film stock, it being made before the digital revolution. The film is bleak and gives a very jaded look at the life of the Vietnam veteran. Frankie gains no usable skills for civilian life and can only get manual labor work, work that's not available. The acting is pretty descent and the pacing is fairly quick as well. The most startling thing about the film is the environment in which it was shot. They actually shot in some anonymous ghetto out in New York and the streets are filled with debris, graffiti and long over grown grass. Its the perfect setting for the film. Sometimes its hard to believe that places that dilapidated and people that downtrodden exist here in the U.S. and its good to be reminded of how tough life can be.

Combat Shock is a powerful film that was made on a shoestring budget. Even though the budgetary shortcomings are obvious here, it doesn't detract from the all too real struggle that unfolds. Recommended.

Gore-mild

Nudity-none

Overall - 7/10

Irreversible (2002) 7/10

In the past couple of years we've seen a huge surge in extremely dark and gory French horror. Irreversible is often written of as the start of all this interest in the darkest parts of french life.

Irreversible is about a night filled with tragedy and violence. A woman is vicsiously raped and her boyfriend sets out to find the man responsible and kill him.

The film takes place in the span of a few hours and starts from the horrible conclusion and works backwards to the beginning of the night. The film starts off with chaotic camera work that's barely watchable at the height of the conflict and as the film works backwards to the more stable beginning of the night, the shooting becomes more stable. This is of course jarring, as is the backwards time travel but due to the adept directing, I became used to it. The film's director also did the infamous I Stand Alone so I knew what I was getting into but still the film was very brutal and shocking. This is primarily due to the realism of the situation as well as the abrasive directing style. The film is nicely paced and very well acted. That being said I don't really know why the film is put together backwards. I actually think it might work better as a traditional narrative but it still works here.

Irreversible is a film for serious film people and is graphic and nihilistic. Nothing sweet or nice here. Its a challenging film for those looking for something unique.

Gore-One scene, but a very graphic one

Nudity - medium

Overall - 7/10

Otis (2008) 4/10

So, I've noticed that since the success of Shaun of the Dead, there's been a whole lot more horror/comedies out there. Good ones too. Like Fido, Severance, Murderparty and others. Otis tries to be one of em, and fails. Miserably.

Otis is about a killer bent on creating and living a fantasy about his brother in law's wife. He kidnaps high school girls and forces them to play along with his sick games.

So Otis is pretty damn crappy. Why? Well it seems to me that although the film is competently acted and directed the overall feeling of the film seems confused. It's almost as if the film was shot as a dead serious horror flick but then someone got the bright idea to cash in on the horror/comedy craze by using silly music from the 80s to lighten the mood. Never once did i crack a smile or find any of the film amusing. I felt that the music was in a stark conflict with the drama onscreen therefore it felt like the soundtrack was trying to force a mood that wasn't there. Once i realized this the film became incredibly painful to watch and very boring as well. I also don't see how a child getting abducted, tortured, and raped as being particularly "funny." The subject matter here is also in a direct conflict with the "light-hearted" approach.

Otis is a cheap attempt to cash in on current horror film trends and should be avoided like the plague.

Gore- mild

Nudity - none
Overall - 4/10

The Strangers (2008) 8/10

After getting pretty good reviews from horror sites but bad reviews from "normal" critics, I decided to give The Strangers a try. I'm glad I did.

The Strangers is about a young couple who comes home from a wedding reception only to be terrorized by a masked trio.

First off, I've always disliked Liv Tyler in films. In fact, my dislike for her is so strong I almost skipped this one just because she was in it. That being said she actually did a really good job. So did all the actors in fact. The interaction between the couple is well written and well played. Their reactions and conversations to me rang very true to life which helped bring me right into the film, leaving me wide open for some really well placed and well played scares. I don't usually get scared, in fact I can count on one hand how many films have actually freaked me out, and stranger just gave me another finger. The film is pure horror. There are no other elements at work here. The film plays on everyone's fear of our home no longer being safe. This is especially true today with the fear of terrorism floating around our heads. The plot is simple and to the point with tons of tension and action. Considering the film has so few actors, we know from the beginning this won't be a bodycount film. Instead the director gives us just enough time to allow us to get to know the characters and become empathetic. It works very well here. The film is nothing but brutal shocks left and right. This is especially hard to do as the film isn't gory either. The actors and the action is believable so it works. As far as this being a ripoff of Them (ils) one could come to that conclusion, but I sincerely doubt it. The real question is, which one's better? The Strangers.

The Strangers is a well played and well acted film filled with great scares and tension. Check it out in theatres while you still can!

Gore- mild

Nudity- none

Overall - 8/10

The Signal (2008) 6/10

The Signal is yet another film heavily hyped in horror mags that I knew I just had to check out. Turns out, its uneven and disappointing.

The Signal is about a television broadcast that takes over your mind, turning the viewer into a delusional homicidal maniac. The film was written and directed by three separate people with the intention of making the film into three vignettes, or transmissions as they're called in the film, that are interconnected with each other.

So it sounds like a really cool idea right? Personally I love horror films that comment on our society rather then just simply go with the tried and true zombie kill fest. The unique plot is to be commended for sure. The problem is that because each director has a unique style and emotion that he's trying to convey but each transmission includes the same characters so the overall effect is rather jarring. First we're in an intolerable angsty crapfest that almost killed the whole film for me, then suddenly we're in a dry black comedy/horror and finally we arrive on a tension filled action fest. So the transmissions don't exactly flow well together, especially since the characters personalities change in each transmission. It seems that just as I got used to the current transmission, it changed to the next one. Another beef I have with the film is the fact that each time the transmission changes to the next one, the film stops on a still image with Transmission 2 or 3 written on it, and then the film continues. This stops the film cold and destroys the momentum of the film. That being said the film is at turns weepy, funny, and shocking. The characterization in the first transmission was so bad i almost shut the movie off, but then the second transmission doesn't take itself seriously and just has fun with the subject matter. And then we're back to being serious but more believable in the third transmission.

The bottom line is that The Signal is an uneven film that shows promise but never really captures it. The first transmission is filled with unlikable characters whose actions are completely unbelievable for the most part. The second transmission is entertaining and fun and the third is an ok conclusion to it all. I think these guys should have been on the same page better, or each segment should have been a short film in itself. Using the same characters throughout was a mistake. Check it out if the synopsis intrigues you.

Gore - medium

Nudity - none (well, one dude's butt)

Overall - 6/10

Suicide Club (2002) 7/10

After watching The Machine Girl, reviewed here as well, I've finally gotten a taste for Japanese horror again. Suicide Club is a film I've been wanting to check out for a while, and I'm glad I Finally did.

Suicide Club is about a series of mass teen suicides in Japan. Over 50 teens jump in front of a subway train and dozens more jump off of buildings to name a few. Its up to a few detectives to find out the cause of the dozens of gruesome deaths before all of Japan is swept up in its fury.

Suicide Club is more bloody then gory. It had been promoted as hyper gory but I don't want to give that impression. More then anything the film is filled with buckets of blood, not viscera. The film is an intelligent commentary on modern day Japan's obsession with media and the heavy influence of it. Of course, just as with The Machine Girl, Suicide Club is hated in its native country as the viewing public there enjoys lighter fair. Mass suicides have indeed happened in Japan so I supposed its no wonder the film isn't very popular. Personally I could have used more action in this film. Its more on the slower side and there's only a handful of suicide scenes. Most of the film follows the detectives in their pursuit of the truth. Having said that the film is expertly directed and very well acted. It has some nice touches of the bizarre, namely an odd character named Genesis, which help to spice the film up.

In the end Suicide Club is an interesting film about our obsession with media and its potentially detrimental impact on our society.

Gore - medium

Nudity - none

Overall - 7/10

Storm (2005) 7/10

Storm hails from the frosty country of Sweden, a country not normally known for horror output. Storm tries to remedy that, but barely squeaks by with a 7/10.

Storm is about a slick arrogant self centered man named Donny. who runs into a woman fleeing for her life. She hand him a small metal box and tells him to protect it. The problem? The Devil wants the box and will do anything to get it. He's soon hunted by his minions and even pursued in his own memories. Donny must comb through his own subconscious to find the truth. How will he survive?

Storm is a super slick psychological horror film that looks like it came out of America circa 2000. Over saturated colors, jovial flashbacks, fluid action sequences with a dose of creepiness ala Constantine. The problem is that the first hour is a total mess. The script is clumsy and confusing. The film shifts from plot point to plot point like a car with bad transmission. I was left feeling confused but still curious to see if the film would turn into a complete train wreck, or if the loose ends would come together to form a cohesive film. Thankfully the film chose the latter. I will say that there was way too much messing around in the first half and several scenes could have been cut in order to make a much more fluid feeling. After that rough first hour we are sent into Donny's mind and into his skeletons in the closet. The film takes on a Silent Hill vibe visually at this point, with lots of fog and such, and its here that the film really gets onto its feet. The major conflicts are solidified and finally the audience understands what the hell is going on. From here on out the film is engaging, action packed, well acted and very entertaining. Hell it even leaves it open for a sequel, but in a good way.

The bottom line is that although the first half of the film is terribly constructed, if a sequel is made I would check it out given the strength of the second half. That is what elevates the film from a 5 to a 7.

Gore-mild

Nudity - none

Overall - 7/10

The Machine Girl (2008) 7/10

So I pretty much gave up on Japanese films. The whole J-horror thing got really boring and I became much more interested in European and American horror flicks. After seeing the trailer for The Machine Girl I knew it was time to dive back into films from land of the rising sun.

The Machine Girl is about a girl whose brother is killed by vicious children of yakuza. She seeks revenge but ends up losing her arm instead. A machine gun arm is built for her by a local mechanic also seeking revenge and the carnage ensues.

This film is gory. I mean really, really gory. We're talking blowing up heads, geysers of blood, dismemberments, this one's got it all. Sure the effects are low budget but that only adds to the campy fun of it. The pace is fairly fast and is filled with crazy gory action. The film is shot well and never takes itself too seriously which is a breath of fresh air. There's nothing worse then a weepy action/horror film. I mean, come on its a movie about a schoolgirl with a giant gattling gun for an arm hell bent on revenge. How could it suck? Apparently films like this are actually hated in Japan and are made strictly for the international audience, that's you and me. So even though the film seems painfully Japanese, its probably played up for our benefit.

The Machine Girl is a fun, fast paced action/horror gorefest that's perfect for enjoying late at night with a couple of beers and a couple of friends.

Gore - Very High

Nudity - none

Overall - 7/10

Nightmare Detective (2006) 4/10

Nightmare Detective was directed by cult Japanese director Shinya Tsukomoto of Tetsuo: The Iron Man and A Snake Of June fame. I was expecting a bizarre creepfest. What i got was a middle of the road borefest.

Nightmare Detective is about a man who convinces people to commit suicide by talking to them over their cell phones. Once asleep the killer attacks the person in their dream, killing them, but in waking life the person is actually killing themselves. Its up to a mentally unstable man to enter the victims dreams to hunt down the killer. Of course he's driven to do this by a tough as nails female detective.

First off, I like the fact that at least the storyline is somewhat different. Sure its a blatant ripoff of A Nightmare on Elm Street, but hey, there haven't been too many of those. Perhaps its a cultural difference that I don't connect with, but I found the characters to be one dimensional and irritating. Since the film is mostly character driven this becomes intolerable after a while. I don't mind crappy characters within reason as long as the plot is action driven, but here we find alot of talking and not alot of doing. Even though the film is nearly 2 hours, the film feels thin and overly simple. That makes for a dull watch indeed. What little action there is in the film is mostly shaky camera-i-don't-know-whats-going-on-but-i-kinda-get-the-idea type stuff. For a film on Dimension's Extreme label, the film is pretty damn tame.

The bottom line is this film feels like a higher budget venture for the director, and nothing more then a money maker to fund more unique and interesting films. Bland city.

Gore-mild

Nudity-none

Overall - 4/10

Dagon (2001) 6/10

Stuart Gordon is a director I've been trying to keep track of lately. He seems to be doing some very interesting work from the brutal King Of The Ants to the unique Edmond, he's really diversified his work. Dagon, is much closer to his Re-Animator roots. In fact it is once again an H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, and once again does not re-create the original feeling of the material from which it is based.

Dagon is about a couple shipwrecked seeking refuge on a small island inhabited by half-men half-fish that worship a giant see creature. Of course the townspeople want to kill the interlopers and chases ensue.

As I stated I am indeed a fan of Stuart Gordon, but Dagon is one of his weaker entries. The characters are incredibly irritating causing me to simply not give a damn about what happened on screen. They act and react unreasonably and often times frustratingly. There is some good action but the overall plot feels pretty thin, especially in the second act. The meat of the film is left for the conclusion and by that point I had already checked out. Visually the film is shot on video and is just a notch above standard sci-fi fare. In fact, I remember catching some of this on sci-fi a few years ago, and changing it due to the reasons I've stated above. That being said, its incredibly refreshing to see a horror movie that doesn't have vampires, zombies, or serial killers. I commend any film that tries to expand the horror genre, rather then simply repeating whats already been done. It is this sole reason that elevates the film from a 5, to a 6.

If you can get past the abhorrent characters, Dagon is a pretty fun ride in a mindless carnage kind of way.

Gore- mild/medium

Nudity - none

Overall - 6/10

Nightmares In A Damaged Brain (1981) 7/10

Nightmares In A Damaged Brain is one of the more notorious of the 74 Video Nasties of the early 80's. In fact this film was often used as the posterboy for the movement to ban films in England. Given the subject matter, its easy to see why.

A man suffering from schizophrenia and with homicidal tendencies plagued by a vivid night mare of decapitation is "cured" by a new miracle drug and released from an asylum. Once on the streets the man prowls sex clubs until one night, viewing a peep show he snaps and decides to go to his childhood home and kill all the occupants, killing women along the way.

Nightmare moves quickly enough with brief flash backs of violence to spice up the pace and keep us from becoming too bored with the interplay of the family that currently habitates the killer's home. The actor playing the killer does a superb job at.... well, being creepy. The violence found within is pretty graphic though not really believable gore. It often looks like red paint squirting out of a dummy, which I'm sure it was. Having said that, I did get sucked into the plot and found myself getting a bit creeped out and a bit disgusted during the kill scenes, which is saying alot since the film is done with very little money or expertise. The ending is especially creepy and brutal, elevating the film beyond being just another cheesy slasher flick.

Nightmare is a film that actually deserves to be on the Video Nasty list and is essential for completests as well as slasher fans. Its hard to track down but hopefully someone will release it eventually so we can all enjoy the red paint fury squirting from bloody stumps.

Gore - medium

Nudity - some

Overall - 6/10

Ilsa: Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks (1976) 5/10

So a friend of mine a few years ago introduced me to a lady named Ilsa. She was kinda rough but beautiful you know? She was in charge of a prison camp that time, this time she's in charge of a middle eastern harem. She was better in the prison camp.

Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks once again stars Ilsa as a dominating evil authoritarian. This time shes out in the land of sand kidnapping women to be sold as sex slaves for the pleasure of rich Sheiks. She keeps the best for her benefactor while plotting to overthrow him. Enter an American diplomat and his military escort sent to find out the truth and rescue the women.

In structure the film is very similar to Ilsa She Wolf of the SS. In practice, however, the film is slow and very simple. There isn't enough action to keep the film's pace up and the ridiculous factor isn't as high as in SS. Because this film doesn't outdo anything that its predecessor did, the film feels bland by comparison. Its still an okay watch but I kept waiting for crazy stuff to happen, and was let down by the small amounts that are sprinkled conservatively throughout.

If you haven't seen Ilsa She Wolf Of the SS, start their first. If you have, then watch Keeper of the Oil Sheiks only if you absolutely love She Wolf.

Gore - mild/medium

Nudity - high

Overall - 5/10

Ghost Story (1981) 4/10

So I figured a film called Ghost Story starring Fred Astaire in his last days would at least be classy and spooky. Guess I figured wrong.

Ghost Story is about a group of old men living in a small town harboring a terrible secret. When people close to them start dying they must finally face the tragedy that befell them so many years ago.

The film is filled with talented actors phoning in their performances. I mean who would expect a cast of veteran actors to perform so blandly and unbelievably? Beyond that the script is filled with long flash backs, so long in fact that when the audience is brought back to the present it feels jarring and unnatural. We get used to the past and then are forced back into the present, when we really want to know what happened next in the flash back. It makes for a confusing and frustrating watch. There is some great spooky makeup effects but there are too many characters and too little action. Most of the plot points take place in the past so the film is constantly going back in time to keep us interested in the present, which doesn't work at all.

The bottom line is that you have a film filled with poor performances, flash backs, and a slow pace. The film feels confusing and terribly slow. Avoid

Gore - none

Nudity -very little

Overall - 4/10

Alone In The Dark (1982) 7/10

When I was a kid I remember seeing the VHS box for Alone in the Dark. It had a closeup of a man's leg with a large axe resting against it. I knew it would be awesome, but my folks never let me rent it. Well I finally got around to it and I've really been missing out. Looks like i was right.

Alone In The Dark is about a small town with an asylum for the criminally insane. The entire place is controlled by electricity, so when the power goes out one night, the patients are free to escape and wreak havoc on the town. Enter a small band of the worst of the worst that are hell bent on killing their doctor and his family.

The film has great performances by a wonderful cast, including Martin Landau, Jack Palance and Donald Pleasance. The family interaction is really well written and you get a sense that the members actually love and care about each other. One of my biggest beefs with horror flicks is the terrible characterization found in most. Here everything feels spot on. The pace of the film is very quick, especially considering it came out in 1982! There isn't much gore here, but there is plenty of tension created by great performances and adept directing by Jack Shoulder (The Hidden, Nightmare 2, Wishmaster 2.)

What we have here is a real gem from a time filled with rip offs, thin plots, and terrible acting. This is how horror films are supposed to be made. Great script, great acting, and great directing. Good stuff all around.

Gore - mild

Nudity - mild

Overall - 7/10

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004) 4/10

So with this update I've decided to dig up some real nasties to see what they're really made of. What I've found is that mostly they're made of crap.

Murder-Set-Pieces is about a German man living in America that makes his money by photographing pornography by day, and by night picking up strippers and hookers only to savagely rape and murder them and sometimes...eat them. Not exactly the type of film that's going to get much exposure outside extreme horror circles, and for good reason. It ain't too good.

First of all there's quite a few scenes of the 9/11 attacks and I don't really see the connection between them and the film. In fact the killer even makes a mention about the attacks but still the connection is unclear. If a film is going to use such powerful and polarizing footage there really needs to be a strongly motivated reason for it. Otherwise, as here, it comes off as confusing and offensive. That being said the film is fairly well acted and shot and has buckets and buckets of gore. Along with that there is also a heap of nudity but its usually used during graphic and stomach churning rape scenes. Ok, so I've seen plenty of extreme films use rape and murder as an extreme way of conveying some sort of message but here I couldn't really find any. So it comes off as exploitative and honestly revolting. I almost turned the film off several times because of just how extreme and disturbing it really is. More then that the plot is riddled with holes and seems to go nowhere for quite a while. I was left wondering where the hell the film was going and if I even wanted to bother going along with it. The killer's own actions throughout the film make no sense. After having killed several women he goes into a porn shop looking for a snuff film. Why bother if you've already done it in real life? Why bother having a girlfriend when he obviously hates women? I mean one could reason it out but really it seems to be placed in the film to try to detract from the savagery found throughout, as well as to give us some characters we care about. They don't motivate much of the plot and they're poorly drawn out at best. The only motivation for the killer's actions that i could find stems from his Nazi grandfather and the killers own beliefs in eugenics.

Murder-Set-Pieces is a repugnant film with a clumsy script that does nothing to deepen or broaden the horror genre. It's more of a poster child for everything that's wrong with horror these days. This one's for those viewers out there looking to test their mettle only.

Gore - High

Nudity - High

Overall - 4/10

Lucker The Necrophageous (1986) 3/10

Lucker The Necrphagous was banned in its native Belgium when it first was released. If only it could have been banned here as well.

The film is about a sadistic killer who goes around killing women and then raping their dead bodies long after they begin to rot. In this sense it plays almost like Nekromantic, and that's not a compliment. The film was apparently improperly stored so the film stock is heavily damaged. My guess is that even if the film was in pristine quality it would still be dreadfully boring and repulsive. See, the problem is that Lucker, the killer, has virtually no lines throughout the film. He just goes around killing women but gives no insight as to why he's doing it. Even though the film is just over an hour, I had trouble just getting through it. Its not until the very end we find out that his motivation to kill stems from being scorned by a former lover. Doesn't really seem like a strong enough motivation to me, but then again the guy's a whacko. I would have liked to have seen a bit more insight into his psyche rather then silent moping that turns into violent rage.

What we have here is a low rent rip off of Maniac, one of my personal favorites, that does nothing to add to the nihilistic subgenre it belongs to. If we're going to follow the killer throughout the whole movie there needs to be some sort of conflict. Either the character has to be pursued by the cops, or by his own personal demons. Shit I dunno, something. An hour of pointless killing with almost no dialogue gets old quick. This one's for gorehounds and necrophiliacs only.

Gore - medium

Nudity - some

Overall - 3/10

Women's Prison Massacre (1983) 7/10

Women's Prison Massacre is yet another sleaze fest from Bruno Mattei. Much like his other films, this exploitation flick is filled with everything I've come to expect from the genre: nudity, gore, violence, and a ridiculous plot. This one has them all in spades.

Laura Gesmer once again plays the beautiful and oft troubled Emannuelle. This time she's an investigative reporter that gets sent to prison after she gets too close to a powerful politician. She is met upon arriving a system of brutality ruled by the strongest inmates and corrupt guards. Emannuelle must fight back to stay alive in this concrete jungle. Things go from bad to worse when a group of men convicted of rape and murder are sent to the prison temporarily but take over and hold the women hostage. Now the real fight for life begins.

Women's Prison Massacre is filled with totally cheesy lines like, " I hate you so much I want to bite your nipples off!" Even if I tried to spoof flicks like this I doubt I could come up with a more ludicrous line then that! Lots of baton beatings ensue as well, and many of the strikes come out of nowhere adding to the hilarity of the film. This is yet another perfect example of a film being so bad its good. Of course the film is pretty distasteful as well as is the case with most of these films, several rapes occur too but at least the men get whats coming to them I suppose.

Overall, Women's Prison Massacre is a great cheesy exploitation flick and does indeed live up to its reputation. Check it out if you're a fan of Italian flicks done in the worst taste possible.

Gore - mild/medium

Nudity - medium

Overall - 7/10

Prom Night (1980) 3/10

So I figured that if an older film was good enough for a modern remake and garnered four sequels, perhaps the original is worth checking out. Nope. Apparently it doesn't mean much in the case of Prom Night.

A group of kids playing in an abandoned building accidentally cause the death of one of the children in this early 80's snoozer. The kids keep the cause of the death secret but when they start dropping like flies right before prom perhaps the only thing that can save them, is the truth.

So after Jamie Lee Curtis' breakout role in Halloween I & II she continued with her horror fame in Prom Night and later in The Fog. See its like a shit sandwich here. Great films before and after and Prom Night is just the crap in between. The film's pacing is unbearably slow and the killings are all off camera! The acting isn't very good and neither is the directing. During the third act there's more silly disco dancing then killing/action. I didn't check this out to get a lesson in humiliating dance moves. If I wanted that, all I'd have to do is turn on So You Think You Can Dance. The same crappy disco song is repeated so many times throughout the last act that I think it'll take a lobotomy to get it out. And to be honest a lobotomy would be a lot more interesting then this stinker.

Bottom line, no gore + bad music + slow pacing = 1 unsatisfied viewer. Next.

Gore - mild

Nudity - none

Overall - 3/10

Night Train To Terror (1985) 5/10

Night Train To Terror was billed to me as being a "super gory" mid 80s fright fest. Of that I must disagree.

Night Train To Terror is about the struggle between good and evil. Really, no kidding. The devil and God are riding on a train and reviewing "cases" to decide who goes to hell and who gets into heaven. So, it's structure is akin to Creepshow and Trilogy of Terror but its implementation is mediocre at best.

I enjoyed the overall idea of the film very much but each of the stories feel more like misfires then slam dunks which given the subject matter certainly could have been. The plots of each are pretty good though a bit unoriginal. The pacing and the clarity of each is where the real problem lies. The gore found in the film is fairly plentiful but is mostly very cheesy and unbelievable. We're talking mannequins squirting blood. The acting is pretty good, even featuring Richard Moll, Bull from Night Court. The soundtrack in the film is atrocious however. There's an especially irritating and silly dance sequence used as an extremely clumsy segue between scenes. In fact that's a pretty accurate description of the film as a whole, clumsy.

Overall Night Train To Terror has an interesting story but the implementation of the story is clumsy and silly. This makes for an entertaining ride as long as you have a good sense of humor and enjoy the absurd. Watch it if you dig 80's cheese and have some friends to share the experience with.

Gore - mild/medium

Nudity - none

Overall - 5/10

Faceless (1987) 6/10

I've tried to watch several Jess Franco films and I've always had a hard time swallowing the crapfests that usually ensued. Yet still, there are so many fans of his work that maybe I've just missed out on his more important work. Faceless is at least the most watchable film I've viewed from him yet.

Faceless is about a brilliant plastic surgeon whose sister's face is burned with acid in an attack meant for him. He promises her that he'll fix the damage and make her beautiful once more, but after realizing nothing short of a full face transplant will help her he sets out to do the impossible. He will kidnap women and attempt to transfer a beautiful face in place of her damaged one. Sounds like a superficial face off right?

What we have here is some eurosleaze that is horrific though not really a horror film. Its more of a thriller gone bad I guess. The script is decent and with enough action and tension to at least keep me watching to the end, which is more then i can say about any other Franco film I've seen. The acting, though dubbed, is also bearable and the directing is downright competent.

As I've said, I'm no fan of Franco yet, and this film does little to make me a believer. It is a pretty good film, but not a great one. Check it out if it crosses your path, but I wouldn't bother hunting it down.

Gore - mild/medium

Nudity - some

Overall - 6/10

Slugs (1987) 8/10

When I was a child I used to spend my days scouring our yard for snails and slugs to smash between my little fingers. Gross I know, but hey, I was a kid I didn't know any better. Had I seen this awesome gorefest, I bet I would have thought twice.

Slugs, directed by Juan Simon of Pieces fame, is about a small town plagued with carnivorous slugs hell bent on eating everyone. Pretty simple right? The best ideas usually are.

Let me begin by saying that this is by no means a "good," movie. It is, however, an amazing schlock fest that tickled this gorehound's funny bone time and time again. First of all, how can a film possibly make slow moving black slugs scary? Its nearly impossible so the characters reactions to this seemingly innocuous creatures is itself hilarious. Beyond that the over the top action in the film is also ridiculous. Case in point, an old man puts on a glove infested with slugs and instead of trying to take the glove off, he simply chops off his hand with an axe. Is that not crazy awesome or what? The acting is dismal but here it really is, so bad its good. The lines of dialogue are also totally silly with memorable lines like:

Inspector, "Sheriff the town is overrun with carnivorous slugs, I want to declare a state of emergency!"

Sheriff, " You don't have the authority to declare happy birthday!"

Classic right? This film is oozing funny lines and satisfying gore. This is a must see for all 80's horror fans, gorehounds, or anyone who has some easily amused friends and a few beers handy. Great flick, watch it now!

Gore- Medium

Nudity - some

Overall - 8/10

April Fools Day (1986) 4/10

April Fools Day is one of those movies that Netflix's wonderful recommendation generator constantly shoves in my face. I finally gave in and honestly, it may be the last.

April Fools Day is about a group of college kids who go to an island off the east coast to party in one of the girl's family mansions. Of course one of the kids is a killer and the remaining group must find out who it is before they all die!

Sounds like a pretty run of the mill script that could have some potential right? Wrong. There is only one gore scene in the whole film and the rest of the kills are mostly off camera. Boring. So it turns into a very obvious whodunit after it becomes clear that there will be no grue in this "horror" film. I finished it off more out of a desire to finish what i start rather then a genuine interest in the conclusion. Honestly, i probably would have liked it better had I not finished it. The ending of the film is the most anti-climactic crap fest that ruins what very little the film had going for it. We're taking The Village ending level of suckage here. I won't give it away for an masochists out there that love watching dreck but lets just say it makes having sat through the previous 90 minutes completely useless.

The only thing this film has is a competent director, a decent budget, and passable actors. Good script and gore not included. Why anyone would want to remake this stinker is beyond me. Stay away.

Gore - none

Nudity - none

Overall - 4/10

Splatter University (1984) 3/10

Splatter University is yet another teen high school/college slasher flick and stands at the bottom of a very large pile.

Splatter University is about kids being picked off one by one at a small Catholic college. The audience then gets to play guess who the killer is and the identity is neither surprising nor interesting. The gore is pretty minimal and what gore there is, sucks. Very poorly executed super cheese, we're talking stabbing a pillow dressed in the character's clothes cheesy. The dialogue is bad, but not so-bad-its-hilarious, just rather bland and useless. The acting is terrible as one might imagine and the performances bring no life to the film. Beyond that the film stock looks like the leftover pieces of film that troma threw away. Yeah its pretty bad.

Splatter University lacks the one thing the title promises, Splatter! Poor performances and a been there done that script bring nothing new or interesting to the table. This one was made solely for profit, and I doubt it even achieved that.

Gore - mild

Nudity - very mild

Overall - 3/10