One Dark Night (1981) 5/10

One Dark Night was directed by Tom McLoughlin who also directed Friday The 13th Part VI so I figured I had a winner on my hands. I was wrong.

One Dark Night is about a psychic vampire that dies and is buried in a mausoleum. After his burial a high school girl is dared to spend the night there as an initiation right to become a sister in a high school social click. The members of the click plan to scare the girl and end up being scared themselves by the psychic vampire that comes back from the grave!

The problem? We spend most of the film setting up the last fifteen minutes. This makes the film mildly entertaining but not particularly scary. The next problem? The only death in the film is in the climax when the psychic dies, but he was already dead in the first place so it doesn't even really count. That being said the film is somewhat entertaining and paced fairly well considering the circumstances but ultimately fails at being even a little bit creepy. Middle of the road at best.

Gore - very mild
Nudity - none
Overall - 5/10

Stardust (2007) 7/10

I was really on the fence about seeing Stardust. The cast seemed odd for the subject matter and the trailers were unconvincing. I dig fantasy films but many lately come off as childish, mundane, and unimaginative. Stardust however was quite fun and unique.

Stardust is about a boy trying to impress a girl and finds love right under his nose. Forget the fantasy stuff, its really a mushy love story wearing the fantasy as a means to an end. A young man sets out on a quest to capture a fallen star to impress his love and stumbles upon another world with magic, witches, and apparently easy women. He finds the fallen star alright but once reaching the earth the star turned human and has around her neck an amulet wanted by a prince so that he may be king. The heart of the star is wanted by an evil witch as well. Everyone wants a piece of the poor star and the you boy is no exception. Danger and chase sequences ensue as the young couple try to reach the boy's home. Along the way they meet eccentric characters, including a character played by Robert DeNiro that crushes his tough guy persona he spent decades honing.

At the end of the day the film was pushing 2 hours and kept me entertained throughout. Is it a modern classic? Nope, but it was fun and with a silly romantic comedy/fantasy film isn't that enough?

Overall - 7/10

Equilibrium (2002) 7/10

Equilibrium is yet another entry in Christian Bale's film canon that was either direct to dvd or limited theatrical release that many of us slept on, and shouldn't have.

Equilibrium was released direct to dvd in 2002 amongst the Matrix explosion and fanaticism. Because of this fervor and the similar themes and action both films share, I believe the film was green lighted but when produced the distributor probably guessed it would die at the box office for the same reasons it was green lighted in the first place.

This particular vision of the future sees the human race controlled by a pharmaceutical substance that removes our emotions. Because of this lack of emotional awareness there is no violence, hatred, war, but there is also no love or joy. Christian Bale plays an enforcer of this rule, employed to destroy all resistance to the new rule, including burning books and any work of art as well as killing any dissenters. He misses a dose of the anti-emotion drug and starts to feel and realizes he has been wrong all along and fights alongside the resistance.

The film has similar themes, though handled differently as well as highly choreographed fight scenes, once again handled differently. Having given the film five years to view it after it's initial release allows me to objectively view the film, rather then directly compare it to The Matrix. My verdict? Pretty dang good. I personally appreciate any Orwellian sci-fi references because I personally believe that big government totalitarianism spells doom for freedom of expression. Equilibrium is right up my alley. My only complaint is that some of the action sequences are sloppily choreographed which makes them seem comical rather then dramatic or fun. I could have done completely without the action in fact and I believe the film would have stood up better.

In the end the film's biggest downfall is being released at the wrong time. This film would have been a huge hit today and any Matrix comparisons would be just plain silly.

Overall - 7/10

Nosferatu: The Vampyre (1979) 4/10

The 1979 Werner Herzog Version of Nosferatu has the unique distinction of being shot simultaneously in German and in English. I watched the English version, and I bet the German version is just as boring.

In 1979 Werner Herzog decided to remake the silent classic Nosferatu. I guess he also decided to take out all of the tension and replace it with a painfully slowly paced film. I really wanted this to be good. I was so excited to get my hands on it and what i got was disappointment. The film is filled with long slow shots of someone traveling, somewhere. Over and over. Beyond that there is practically no footage of any vampirism. Instead the camera turns or the scene is cut short before we actually get to see Dracula bite anyone. These things coupled with a severe lack of musical accompaniment creates a slow action less dull film. Sorry Mr. Herzog this ones a snoozer. I consider myself an adventurous and patient film goer. I rarely turn off any film before it's run time is complete and I do watch quite a bit of foreign and experimental films but this one was beyond my attention span. ZZZZZZ all the way.

Overall 4/10

Hatchet (2007) 6/10

Hatchet is an indie darling being triumphed by horror mags and fans alike. The return to the American slasher its being called. The saviour of horror. Nope, not even close.

Hatchet is a killer in the woods flick that would have fit right in back in '81 amongst such films as the original Friday the 13th and The Burning, Don't Go Into The Woods, etc. A group of tourists go on a tour down a forbidden swamp protected by local ghost/legend/killer Victor Crowley. Of course their boat sinks and they are hunted by Victor throughout the rest of the picture.

The problem? It isn't 1981 anymore. Hell I like all those old slashers as much as the next guy but in today's film we all look for a bit more meat on the bone. There's been a slew of re-makes, updates, sequels, and homage films lately and this is just another to add to the pile. There is nothing that makes this film standout from any other generic horror flick to come down the pipe in the past few years. To its credit, there is alot of gore and nudity but by the end I just didn't care. The film is populated by terrible characters that I really didn't care about so any ability for the film to scare me was out the window. The story was threadbare as well so there goes any ability for the film to entertain. Victor Crowley himself looked a bit cheap with very poorly done prosthetics which just made him seem silly, even if it was Kane Hodder (Jason Vorhees) playing him. After all the hype found in Fangoria, Rue Morgue etc I was really expecting a genre standout but what I got was just another uninspired horror film. Homage films are great but they need a degree of improvement and innovation to make them really shine, otherwise why would I bother watching this when I could watch the original films being paid tribute to? Beyond that the script was clumsy and the editing was poorly paced. The opening sequence is terribly put together and it really shows the audience the snoozer about to unfold.

In the end if you can turn off your mind and just enjoy the gore and never mind the hype around Hatchet I believe the viewer will dig it. Having said that I went into the film with high expectations that were never met.

Gore - High
Nudity - Medium
Overall - 6/10

District B-13 (2004) 3/10

I had heard that District B-13 was a spectacular action fest with tons of great stunts and those crazy "free style walking" guys. Man was I disappointed.

District B-13 is french film and was co-written by Luc Besson (The Professional, La Femme Nikita). Its set in the near future in France where gangs have taken over "districts" of the country. Police don't set foot and crime abounds. Until now. Enter an undercover cop and a local fighting to save the day and take out the bad guy. Same old story. Nothing new.

Personally it's hard to take french guys dressed as American gang members, and not your typical blood/crypt gang members. More like brightly clothed douche bags that hang out at the mall and drive shitty rice burners. Not exactly intimidating. The action, pretty good but the idiocy of the acting, characters, storyline, wardrobe, pretty much everything else in the film makes this little crap fest unbearable to watch. I felt insulted and I walked in expecting little. Back off France, we're still the action kings. Just keep pumping out great horror flicks and we'll all be much happier.

Overall - 3/10

Friday the 13th Part VIII (1989) 6/10

I always remembered Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan as a big pile of crap. It was one of the few Friday's I had seen as child and was not impressed. This time around I feel different...somewhat.

So Jason is awakened at the bottom of camp crystal lake again but this time there's a boat in the lake that's heading out to sea for a senior trip to New York. Now I may be mistaken but isn't one of the most important factors in labeling a body of water a lake that it is a solitary body of water? Otherwise wouldn't it be a river? Anyway Jason goes and kills the kids and chases the survivors into the streets of New York.

Different location, same game. Slaughter aplenty with some very original kills to boot. Who would have thought of killing someone with a steam rock found in a sauna? Jason, that's who. In the end Friday VIII isn't as bad as some claim and ain't that great. Its no part 6 but it isn't a part 5 either.

Nudity - none
Gore - medium
Overall 6/10

The Thing From Another World (1951) 7/10

The Thing (1982) could possibly be my favorite horror film of all time. I saw it as a kid on T.V tons of times and it never gets old for me. It wasn't until years later that I learned that The Thing is a remake of The Thing From Another World.

The Thing From Another world is about a group of Airforce servicemen stationed in the Arctic circle that find a space ship frozen in the ice. They exhume an alien body from the ground and bring it back to their base to examine the creature. The problem? It's still alive and wants to kill all of them.

Pretty similar to the Carpenter classic right? Well this one doesn't change shape, in fact its made of plant matter and exsanguinates its victims. Each part of the creature can spawn more creatures with just a bit of blood. Having said that this was made in '51 so there's really no blood in the film. Honestly though it doesn't need it. The film moves at a very quick pace and is filled with likable characters, though perhaps too many characters overall.

The Thing From Another World is a great film for The Thing addicts looking for where it all started, as well as for the lover of classic sci-fi cinema.

Overall 7/10

The Wicker Man (1973) 6/10

The Wicker Man is one of those movies I always planned to watch but never did. Once the re-make came out I figured it was high time for me to check it out. Well now that the re-make has come gone, and supposedly sucked I've finally gotten around to seeing it. The results? Lukewarm.

The Wicker Man is about a police officer investigating the disappearance of a little girl on a rural island off the coast of Scotland. He finds the island inhabited by pagans, penis worshipping pagans no less. The officer is a devout Christian in a land of mysterious heathens. Can you smell the conflict? The head pagan is played by Christopher Lee and as we all know, Christopher Lee is the best bad guy ever. But even with that credit the film still suffers from being so painfully 70s.

The film has many musical interludes of crazy hippy music and it really hasn't aged well. Overall the film succeeds in being interesting but never achieved scares from this viewer. In the end the main character is trapped in a huge figure made of wicker, hence the title. And as a friend of mine noted, What the hell? He's a full grown man trapped by wicker. Ever heard of punching or kicking? I mean being trapped by an overgrown wicker basket, that's just pathetic.

Gore - mild
Nudity - some, but they're hippies so it doesn't really count.
Overall - 6/10

Salon Kitty (1976) 7/10

Ahh Salon Kitty. Directed by the infamous Tinto Brass (Caligula), for many, the film falls into the dubious category of nazisplotation films, sitting side by side with Ilsa She Wolf of the SS and SS Hell Camp among others. Personally, I don't think so.

Salon Kitty tells the tale of a power hungry Nazi commander ordered to start a brothel for high ranking Nazi officials. He does what he is told as any Nazi would do and takes over Madam Kitty's "Salon," or whore house. He decides to place recording devices in every room and fill the brothel with unflinchingly loyal national socialist girls. His plan? Use the loyal women to report on everything they hear from the officials, to use as blackmail. Of course once one particularly loyal girl discovers this, she hatches a plan to over throw the commander.

What we have here is a truly good film hiding inside a grindhouse exploitation flick. Does it have nudity? TONS. Does it have depravity and disgusting sexual behaviour? Certainly. But it also has a great deal of commentary on love and lust as well as state loyalty versus loyalty to oneself. This isn't simply a film made to titillate and repulse its audience. It, although feebly, tries to stimulate the intellect of the viewer as well. I personally believe that if the film had less filth it would have been more critically recognized and may have sent the directer out of the low budget trash business and into the high budget drama genre.

So, if you're looking for another Ilsa, look elsewhere. If you're looking for a serious film about Nazi rule.....with lots of sex and nudity check this one out. Did i mention there's lots of nudity? There's lots of nudity.

Gore - mild
Nudity - TONS
Overall - 7/10