The Hand (1981) 6/10

The Hand is an early work from director Oliver Stone and I'm sure that that's enough to get people interested. It also stars Michael Caine which is another bonus. The film is about a man, Caine, who loses his hand in a freak accident just as he loses his family in a separation. He then experiences periods of memory loss, black outs, and begins to believe that the severed hand is committing terrible crimes, or is it? Is it he who is killing during these blackouts? Is the hand just a symbol of his unresolved rage? I suppose that's for you, the viewer, to decide.

The subject matter and the director is not really what's interesting here. What is truly intriguing is the hand itself. As the film progresses the hand decomposes and begins to look an awful lot like the Ash's severed hand in Evil Dead 2. Upon further screen time for the hand it begins to make sounds, not unlike the same sounds the hand in ED2 makes, though of course not as comical or outrageous. In the film's finale Michael Caine fights with the hand eventually stabbing it with a knife once again very similarly as in ED2. Considering what huge horror buffs Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell were and are it's not entirely out of the question that they may have seen this film and been influenced by it.

So watch the film if you're an Oliver Stone fan or an Evil Dead 2 fanatic but don't bother for the film itself because it's mediocre at best.

Fido (2007) 8/10

You know I'm really thinking about ignoring major theatrically released horror films from now on. With so many great indie flicks coming out on dvd, I almost don't even want to bother. But who am I kidding? We all know that the promise of the next Halloween or Friday is too great. Still Fido continues to prove that there is some truly talented people out there making some great films that rarely see theatrical release.

Fido is a film set in the 50's where every household has a "pet," or "slave," zombie to do their bidding. A little boy with an emotionally unavailable father befriends his zombie and eventually saves the day. When i first heard of this film i thought, finally, a film that does something new and different to the very tired and cliched zombie genre. The potential set by the treatment is indeed fulfilled but perhaps not in the way more horror fans would expect.

Instead of great gore and 50s references we get a film that in tone resembles a drive-in B movie with very witty and subtly placed cultural and social references that speak volumes of the time as well as letting us consider a zombie phenomenon a little differently. Case in point, the elderly are the most feared members of society. These have the highest potential of becoming zombies therefore they are closely watched and eventually taken out of their homes to be removed from society, thus removing the threat. What an interesting and well thought out idea. Also the pro-war and anti-feelings sentiments of the time are here in spades as well as the most important thing within a family is to not embarrass the family in front of neighbors.

Fido is a fun film with great lovable characters and plenty of intelligent social and zombie commentary. Don't expect any gore because you're not going to find it. That's not really the point here.

Gore - mild

Nudity - none

Overall - 8/10

Murder Party (2007) 8/10

Ahh Murder Party, saving me from mediocre re-makes and high budget crap.

Murder Party is about a pathetic, naive, kind, socially awkward, and totally lovable guy that lives alone with his huge fat cat sir Lancelot. He receives a mysterious invitation to a Murder Party on Halloween night and decides that for once he'll take a chance. After making a Sir Lancelot costume out of cardboard he goes to the secret location only to find that the party has been thrown to commit a murder, his murder! The murderers? These are the lowest of the low, the pretentious artists looking for the next big thing but unable to look beyond themselves and their own egos.

What we have here is an 80min film that blasts all supposed artists and especially groups of people that collectively create "art," but really just sit around stroking each others egos and adamantly not growing up. These are the irritating people in your art class in college that couldn't stop talking about how great they were even though they were turning in the equivalent to finger paintings.

The acting is great as well as the characterizations. Obviously these guys have had A LOT of experience with art jerks. The film makers are collectively known as the Lab of Madness and have been making horror films since they were kids. Each actor performed another position within the production truly making a collective effort. They all grew up together and after securing good jobs after college decided to pool their resources to make a fun film and a statement. Statement heard loud and clear guys.

The film takes place mostly in an old warehouse but the film doesn't seem confined by this. Rather it seems more interesting and emphasizes the interplay between the characters. The script moves at a quick pace and never becomes dull. The film is really a horror/comedy with some pretty good gore in certain spots but isn't really "gory." In this film it doesn't need to be. The script is smart and the characters and events although exaggerated, still seem believable. In fact i still feel sorry for the main character and really just want to give him a hug and maybe hang out, introduce him to some people, you know? I quickly became attached to him and wanted him to survive. That kind of support is rarely created in horror films and it's great to see a group of people creating original work that respects the genre.

Check this film out if you're looking for something new, smart, and fun. This is a really great film and i look forward to see what these guys do next.

Gore - mild to medium

Nudity - none

Overall - 8/10

30 Days Of Night (2007) 5/10

30 Days Of Night is the newest among the high budget horror flicks coming out this year, and much like the previously released (and reviewed here) Halloween, is disappointing.

30 Days Of Night is directed by David Slade whose previous work includes Hard Candy. Hard Candy was a great indie psychological horror film that I think any horror buff should check out. Having seen this previous work and hearing that the original comic writer demanded Slade I figured it was a safe bet to assume this would be a great flick. I was wrong.

The film is about a small community in norther Alaska that experiences 30 days of night in their winter season. This is of course perfect for vampires and their natural aversion to sun. A great premise but poorly executed here.

We meet the town sheriff, the local hero, and his estranged wife. The two of them as well as a band of lucky non-eaten townspeople devise a plan to try and survive the 30 days.

The problem here is that first of all the vampires are silly. They squawk like birds and act like goofy goth kids in high school proudly showing their fangs and looking "creepy." This is not effective or entertaining, it just becomes laughable and finally irritating. The only vampire that is believable (and i can't believe I'm talking about a believable vampire) is the leader. He acts with much more subtly and restraint. Too bad the other guys didn't get the memo.

During these 30 days there is significant time lapses that are only shown by the growing of stubble and that's about it. No growing tensions between the characters, no crisis involving food supply or cabin fever. Nope apparently these guys are content to starve and sit in a cramped attic for more then a week in perpetual fear.

The other problem is that after about 20 days the vampires have not found them or a few other survivors that are hiding in even less convincing locations. So what were the vampires doing during that time? Just hanging out talking about being vampires? We have no idea why they didn't find some very obvious prey or what the hell they were doing. Beer pong maybe? I suppose the film makers wanted a restricted narrative so we would have sympathy for the characters that we were supposed to get to know and eventually care about rather then show some vampire interaction but i don't give a damn about the characters. Who are these vampires, where did they come from, how did they get there, the questions go on and on.

And for horror fans the biggest problem is that the film either A) was heavily edited by the MPAA or B) the director chose to not film totally perfect gore sequences that are obviously set up but never show within the film. In the end the film isn't really scary and is more of an action survival film. Being that i could have at least heaped on the gore. Instead we get a few near misses and a couple of pretty good gore scenes that don't make up for the fact that the film is unbelievable and poorly structured.

In the end the decision to have such a restrictive narrative hurt the film because lets face it, between a half hearted love story and crazy vampires, which is more interesting? The choice to this fan is obvious.

Gore - mild to medium

Nudity - none

Overall - 5/10

From Beyond (1986) 7/10

If you haven't seen or even heard of From Beyond then you must have been living beneath a rock for the past 20 years. For those said rock dwellers From Beyond is based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft about a mad scientist that creates a machine that emits a field of vibration that stimulates the pineal gland allowing the person within the field to see into another dimension. The creatures that inhabit this world are monsters of course that attack the people within the field. The problem however is that the field's effects are addicting.

The film is directed by Stuart Gordon and is the followup to Re-animator. As in Re-animator it stars Jefferey Combs and Barbara Combs. The film was hacked up by the MPAA and has never been released uncut, until now.

Now the film isn't quite as gory as Re-animator but makes up for it with crazy creature effects. The monsters within the film feature an array of slime covered latex sci-fi inspired awesomeness.

From Beyond is a cult classic and a must see for fans of Re-animator or sci-fi / horror fiends. Great flick!

Gore - Medium
Nudity - very little
Overall - 7/10

Black Sheep (2007) 8/10

What we have here is a great comedy/horror made in New Zealand about a genetic experiment on sheep gone bad. In New Zealand there are 40 million sheep and only 4 million people so the idea of killer sheep is at the same time hilarious and frightening, especially to Kiwis. The owner of a large farm decides to invest in making the "uber sheep" but instead creates a sheep that has a thirst for human blood! If the sheep bites you then you become a were-sheep. Awesome.

The film emphasizes more of the comedy rather then the horror much like Kiwi made Dead Alive. Interestingly the same FX company, Weta Workshop, did the gore for Dead Alive, as well as Black Sheep, not to mention King Kong and LOTR. You get the same silly but compelling and fun storytelling as seen in Dead alive as well. Much like dead alive the film is presented in a traditional Kiwi storytelling approach. The film benefits from this in spades.

The film is also very very gory. They certainly don't pull any punches here. Sheep devouring humans, humans killing sheep. Its all done in good fun though. There are great creature effects and human transformations as well. There's even a were-sheep transformation scene that pays homage to An American Werewolf in London. There is very little CGI, the film uses practical effects instead and is the better for it. To be honest the "puppet" sheep look just as convincing as the real thing. The FX team really outdid themselves on this one.

I can't speak highly enough about this film. It's perfect if you're looking for something very gory and very fun.

I would also recommend a film that came out earlier this year, Isolation, if you're looking for a serious film about farm animal genetic mutations.

Gore - Medium to High

Nudity - none

Overall - 8/10

Perth (2004) 6/10

Perth is one of the latest releases from Tartan Asia Extreme and it comes all the way from Singapore. I checked this out just because it was a Tartan release and because a quote on the box said it was "Singapore's answer to Taxi Driver," and "The most violent film ever made in Singapore." This certainly gave me high expectations, expectations that were not met.

Perth is about a middle aged man who has found himself at a dead end. He was once a merchant marine but at this stage in his life is a lowly security guard by day and a taxi driver for prostitutes by night. He has high hopes of going immigrating to Perth to get away from the materialism of Singapore. Much like in Taxi Driver he meets a whore that he wants to free from sex slavery and that's where the film turns violent. Too bad this is at the 90 min. mark and the film is only 115 min. long. The film is slow going though nicely shot with dark unnatural lighting, and to be honest i didn't even notice it was shot in film until the middle of the movie.

The film is actually in English for the most part which is nice except that the subtitles are still necessary for the random points where the characters slip into their native tongue, which by the way is spoken more convincingly then in English. The actors are easy to understand with very little accent, but the problem is they can't act in English. The film may have been a bit more believable if they spoke their native language instead.

The film in general isn't very violent until the last few minutes, also like Taxi Driver. I've never seen any other Singaporean films before so I can't really judge it except by my own standards, and given that, this film ends up being OK. Not great, not terrible, but ok. It's a modest film that is competently directed but there just wasn't enough for me to grab onto, especially at nearly 2 hours long.

Gore - Mild
Nudity - none
Overall 6/10

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theatres (2007) 6/10

Let me begin by saying that I am a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I've enjoyed the show since the first season and still dig it. I feel that most of the critics that watched the film had never seen the show therefore they didn't "get it." Well, I "got it," I just didn't like it.

The film is mostly a series of running jokes and references from the show, which if you haven't seen the show, you wouldn't really understand. Just about every character that has ever been on the show throughout the years is also in the film and are given no introduction. Once again you have to see it to understand. I didn't really expect anything less but even the casual viewer may feel lost at times.
The film also just feels like a long episode with the swear words uncensored. This would be great but honestly it looses steam quickly, picks up, slows down. You get the idea. Basically every 15 min the movie gets good then goes down hill.

At the end of the day i know all the fans will check this out and you can make your own judgement. I didn't really think it was very funny and i found that disappointing since I still love the show. If you're not a fan, you better watch some episodes first to get to know the characters first. Might i suggest the broodwich episode?

Overall 6/10

Scarecrows (1988) 7/10

Scarecrows is a late 80s chiller about a paramilitary group that has just pulled a heist on a military base. They flee only to be double crossed by one of their own. The loot gets thrown out of their plane into a cornfield on an old farm and the bandits go after it only to find that they are the hunted!

Pretty original idea here and the director wastes no time setting up the story. The film begins right as the thieves get their loot thrown out of the plane. No need to see the heist, its all implied. Once the crew lands they are attacked almost immediately and then the fun begins.

For such a low budget direct to video flick there's a good amount of gore and the film stock is very clean and professional. The acting is OK and the scarecrows' makeup is pretty convincing. There's really no meat to the film though. We learn nothing about the characters and there's not much of a character or story arc. Plain and simple. Bad guys land in a spooky field and are attacked by evil scarecrows. A fun little gem indeed.

The really odd thing is that the director didn't go on to do much. He directed an episode of "Monsters" in the early 90's and then did Route 666 in 2001 staring Lou Diamond Philips, and that's it. For such a competently shot and well paced film I would have expected more work. Oh well I guess not everyone can have Uwe Boll's connections.

Gore - medium
Nudity - none
Overall 7/10

Kiss Daddy Goodbye (1981) 3/10

Kiss Daddy Goodbye is about a couple of kids with crazy telekinetic powers that live up in the hills. Their father gets killed by a band of biker scum and the kids deicide to bring their father back from the dead to get revenge. They do this by reading a book of spells they just happen to have lying around (doesn't everyone?).

Yeah so this is a big stinker. It looks like it was shot with 8mm or at the most 16mm so the shots are very grainy and flat. The aspect ratio of the dvd release is bizzare as well. Instead of the tried and true black bars for widescreen, we get a weird black box around the whole image. What gives? The picture does look like it went through some restoration but there's not much you can do if it was shot on crap by people who don't know what they're doing. The acting is horrible. I can't even express how bad it is. We're talking high school drama reject status here. Yikes. There's no gore nothing at all to pick up this dismal film. Its barely watchable at best. Only for early 80s crapfest lovers. The only thing this film is good for is making fun of, and even that only works for so long.

Gore - none
Nudity - none
Overall - 3/10

Eyes Of A Stranger (1981) 5/10

Eyes of a Stranger is an early 80's slasher about a news reporter that discovers a serial killer is living in her apartment building. She tries to find hard evidence and becomes a target in the process.

So it's not the most original script ever and to be honest this one's by the books. No surprises, no frills. Just a knife wielding killer on the loose. There's only 5 kills in the whole movie so its not to big on the body count meter either. The only thing that sets the film apart is the fact that Tom Savini did the makeup work right around the same time he was doing Maniac and Friday the 13th, The Burning, and a slew of other better more popular films. The dvd is super bare bones too. Bland city.

Gore - mild to medium
Nudity - very little
Overall - 5/10

Ministry - The Last Sucker (2007) 5/10

Ministry is Dead.

I've never been a big fan of Ministry to be honest. I really liked their past few records because of their hyper fast thrash/industrial mixture that just oozes aggression. I have to admit though that their lyrical content never did much for me as I'm probably the last living person to feel that the war is just and that our current administration really does want to protect us from terrorism. Their newest record is also their last album ever to be recorded for this long standing act and I can see why.

Perhaps I have to be a "true" ministry fan to really dig this but what's hitting my ears is the sound of mediocrity. The samples are weak, the songs are simple and mid paced at best. Hell there's even a crappy cover of Roadhouse Blues.

Al Jourgensen has stated that this will be Ministry's last album as his creative juices are more interested in producing records and doing more work with his side project the Revolting Cocks, lord knows why since they sound like the recycle bin for songs not good enough for Ministry. I guess this wimpy last record is a testament to his desire to move on. Too bad they couldn't have gone out with a blaze of glory, but instead with a shrug of apathy. Bummer.

5/10

Baroness - The Red Album (2007) 8/10

I've been a fan of Baroness ever since they released their first two eps a couple years ago. Here we have their first full length, out on Relapse Records no less. Baroness hails from Georgia and play a melody infused bluesy and progressive metal somewhat like remission era Mastodon with a splash of twin guitar harmonies ala Thin Lizzy. I remember when The Dillinger Escape Plan hit it big and no one could pin down their style. They were compared to Today is The Day all the way to Metallica(!?!). That's because they defined a new genre. I believe Baroness is doing the same thing right now.

It's really hard to try to describe just what Baroness does since there's so much going on in each song. Each member of the band is given the chance to shine in each track without it sounding like a giant wankfest. Each song is built upon the unique writing style of the band which i can't entirely nail down. This is exactly why I love this band so much. Baroness along with bands like Mastodon, Sofa King Killer, Pelican, Isis, Soilent Green, High on Fire and many others are blazing new trails in metal that have become unclassifiable.

We are witnessing the dawn of a new wave of metal and Baroness is at the forefront. Make no mistake, they will rule and we'll all be hearing A Lot more about them in the future.
This record is truly amazing with its complex guitar structures, soaring/screaming vocals, impressive crazy drumming and needs to be in your collection now. Buy it sucker.

8/10
http://www.yourbaroness.com/

Book Of The Dead - Edited By Skipp & Spector (1989) 8/10

For my first novel review i've chosen The Book of the Dead edited by John Skipp and Craig Spector. The book is a collection of short stories based on the universe created by George A. Romero's Dead films. There's even a forward written by the man himself.

Within these pages we have mostly splatterpunk authors like David J. Schow, Joe R. Lansdale, Robert M. Mcammon and more. There are also submissions by non-splatterpunks like Stephen King, Edward Bryant, Ramsey Campbell etc. Most of the stories here are very creative and disgusting. Graphic depictions of gore and decompostions abound so this one isn't for "passive" horror fans but more for "active" or extreme horror fans. This was my first introduction to most of these authors, though i was already a big fan of Lansdale. The more I read, the more i liked as the stories get progressively better with the first few being medicore. I have to say that this is an excellent resource for intellegent extreme horror writers. There is also a second book of the dead which hopefully i'll get my hands on soon. Both books however are out of print but can be found on Amazon.com and Half.com etc very inexpensively.

8/10

Flight Of The Living Dead (2007) 6/10

Flight of the Living Dead is as you might imagine, about zombies on a plane. Simple as that. Some secret clandestine research involving a mutant strain of malaria has created the zombie virus and it gets out on board a trans Atlantic flight.


I picked this one up since Fangoria gave it their official seal of approval, and, more often then not they're right. In this case though the film is a little above mediocre. I had reservations going in and was moderately entertained going out.

The film starts off very strong with multiple story lines being set up and a variety of characters including a pro golfer with a gold plated putter. And in case you were wondering, yeah, he does use it to smash some zombie heads. The film is very gory with pretty dang good zombie makeup. It takes a while for the zombie action to begin but i didn't feel like it was too long, just right to help build the tension and the humor which is sprinkled throughout the film. The film doesn't really try to be scary, more funny and action packed, which works fine here.


The problem with the film is that even at its short 90 min. run time, it still seems to drag a bit in the third act. There is no real conflict at the end except survival and the remaining survivors do just that. This could have been a golden opportunity to play on all of our fears of terrorism and flying but the film never really touches on these too much. The film could have just as easily been set anywhere, a train, a boat, hell even in a building.


Not really much here, just you're average meat and potatoes zombie flick. It doesn't disappoint but it's nothing new either. Check it out if you're in the mood for zombie carnage and have seen everything else.


Gore - High
Nudity - none
Overall 6/10

Evil Aliens (2005) 7/10

Evil Aliens is a British sci-fi horror comedy film about aliens (no shit, right?) that come to a small Welsh island to implant alien fetuses into humans to breed their species. They also came to kill cows and humans, have sex with humans, use their body parts for their space ship and basically wreak havoc wherever they go. A small paranormal television crew has come to investigate and get wrapped up in the alien mayhem.

So this film is gory. I mean really gory. We're talking close to Dead Alive status here. Chainsaws, arrows, shotguns, cricket bats, boom mics, farm equipment, you name it, they used it and did some serious damage. The problem is the film was done on a shoestring budget and instead of trying to creatively hide that fact like most indie horror, they really shove it in your face. The film is shot on digital video which normally doesn't bother me but it's glaringly obvious here. Most of it looks like they didn't even shoot in 24p so it really looks like video. Most of the gore as well is very cheaply done. Sure there's dismemberments and decapitations, blood, guts, vomit, semen (yeah, semen, gross huh?), this one runs the gamut. But it all looks pretty damn fake. The shots and editing are pretty hacky as well, especially in the first act. There is also some pretty damn terrible CGI of flying orbs Ala Phantasm and of course alien space ships. The sets are also pretty cheesy and while we're at it, the dialogue and script is pretty crappy too.

So, why did i give this a 7/10? Well because even though the film is extremely rough, it is also pretty fun to watch. The pace is very quick which works perfectly here. This isn't supposed to be realistic and scary, its supposed to be hyper-gory, crude, gross, and fun and they accomplish just that.

They obviously had a very high budget script without the funding to match. So, rather then cut out things to bring the cost down, they just cheapened the whole production to allow for everything. This was a gutsy move, and I know there's plenty of people that would disagree, but I think it worked. Sure the film is total cheese but hey, it doesn't take itself seriously and neither should you. The film oozes energy, as well as every other bodily fluid under the sun. It's about as crass as it gets as well. There's several sex scenes, one including an alien, and i think they were supposed to be funny, but they really come off as just plain disgusting. I shudder to think about it. There's plenty to offend here but hey, that's the point! The director wasn't trying to make a sensible low budget film. He wanted to gross you out, and indeed he succeeds here, in spades. When watching the film you can't help but groan in disgust, "AWWWWW!!," a lot, I know I did, just ask my equally grossed out and embarrassed wife.

So, don't expect anything high quality here, or high brow for that matter. It's a film that would appeal to a narrow audience, mostly the immature male beer drinking horror nerd type, but that's most horror fans right? Fans of Undead, Dead Alive, Evil Dead 2 etc check this one out.

Gore - A LOT!!!
Nudity - Plenty
Overall - 7/10

1408:Unrated (2007) 4/10

In case you've been living under a rock 1408 stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. It's about a writer (Cusak) that spends his career staying in "haunted" hotels and writes about them. He is of course a skeptic that has never witnessed anything. He's got a chip on his shoulder and has suffered a family tragedy, thus creating his cynical world view. He stays in 1408 and this time, he'll experience hell itself.

1408 has the unique distinction of being the highest weekend gross for a Stephen King adaptation ever. Too bad it is also another lackluster disappointment.

The film has a great premise and is well acted and competently directed throughout. The problem lies in the script. The first 45-60 min. are great but the film quickly loses steam. Instead of a blitzkrieg of mind bending scenes where we question what is real and what is fake, we get a few very long ones. And as the film progresses it becomes easier to tell what is real and what is fake and by the end I just didn't really care. The ending isn't very satisfying with some character development but no real "final battle" or crazy twist or reveal. It just sort of....ends, dramatically of course, but cheaply so.

I give this film a 4/10 because it did not accomplish what it set out to do. It was not a creepy thriller/horror film but rather a dull exercise in personal development. I wasn't engaged and wasn't scared. For a film with a huge budget and great actors it could have been much better, especially since this was the Director's cut. I never saw the theatrical version so perhaps that version works a bit better with a shorter run time. I don't know. I was excited to see this and was very disappointed with the poor handling of a great premise.

Gore - none
Nudity - none
Overall 4/10